Boom! The waves crashed onto our ship. I glared outside the window and caught the sight of the dirty grey clouds hanging like a tired scarf. I examined the sky and figured a storm was going to occur. It was midnight, the 9th of October 1798 and we were sailing across the Atlantic Ocean on the U.S.S Port Royal naval to South Africa. We were to dock at ST Johns. The South Africans were warring with the Zimbabweans. It was a religious battle, too many differences, and a lot of hate. The UN secretary General Kofi Annan asked the United States naval to help the South Africans. We were dropping off weapons. A crate of infra-red Laser Pointer which is designed to effectively engage targets at night, a small arm weapons while wearing night vision goggles. And Bazookas, a light weight metal tube from which rockets are launched. By the time we were half way through the Atlantic Ocean Captain John and I, the commander of the US navy were playing cards on the bridge. The naval crew were all asleep. The ship continued to rock while outside the wind was howling.
Suddenly, a huge bang came from above. We sprinted up the metal stairs. We were curious. On top we looked around and saw the huge, heavy, iron anchor smashing into the bright life boats. I walked slowly across because it was so wet and slippery. The rain was stomping in my eyes. I could not see. I squinted and saw the chain had broken off. I tried to run to the side of the ship and skimmed the ocean. The waves looked fierce. The bubbles were flung on to the deck and the water ran down my heavy black naval boots. The clouds turned from grey to black and covered the whole sky. The naval crew came up to see what was happening, some with their black and green pyjamas. They all stared at the anchor, then raised their faces to the condition of the sky. We stood still, speechless. A hurricane was coming our way.
Captain John and I were planning what to do. We ordered the officers to leave the fierce sight but start looking for safe shelter. They all scattered around and some went back in to dress. The Captain went inside to control the steering wheel but he had a huge problem. The ship was too heavy to turn away from the hurricane! The hurricane was colossal. Its strong winds scooped water up and threw it every where. The ship was now almost flooded with water. The smell of glue and old paint flowed through the hall way. The main doors banged open then shut. The garbage in the galley slid all over the floor, the ship was rocking from side to side. Captain John still tried to steer the ship. It was about 50 meters away and we were really thrilled. I ran to the officers and yelled out, “Stations everyone, now!” One of the men went to operate the crane to lift up the anchor. He connected the chains. The chain moved slowly down, and then the anchor fell to the side of the crushed life boats, into the sea.
We all ran below and turned off all the electrical equipments. I knew that if electricity struck water it could shock and kill anyone.
The Captain told us not to go to the top, the hurricane was near and there was no way of survival for us all! The ship shook as if it was an earthquake except it was on water. It rattled and heaved. Suddenly the door to the cabins, which was on our right started to break off. The bolts and nails shot off and screeched as it shot at the walls. We ran to the Fabrico water tight door on our left, as soon as the last man entered we slammed it shut. I turned the wheel around and tightened it.
Boom! The hurricane struck the ship. I felt the ship turn over and we crashed into each other. We were trapped! I tried to think of a plan but my head lost focus. At that moment I could not even hear, an ear piercing scratch was heard from above. I tried so hard to think.
Then I had a brilliant idea. I led the officers slowly up a ladder to get to the next floor. The ship was sinking and it was flooded with salty water. It rose quickly. My heart was beating fast. I kept taking deep breaths. I was worried not only of myself but my naval crew. We decided to break up into separate groups because it will be much quicker. Only 8 men wanted to follow me the others went their own way. We were planning to meet on the top of the ship so that we could unlock the main door and get out as soon as we can. We climbed as fast as we could. The water seemed to follow. Finally we got to the top. The other men including Captain John could not be seen and the water was already past my waist. We were running out of time, so we carried on. The officers and I rushed to open the huge water tight door, the water trying to slow us down. We turned the handle and pushed but it was blocked. We could not push it open. One of the officers said that there was too much pressure on the door from the outside. This meant that we were already too deep under the ocean’s surface. I saw the fear in my officer’s eyes. I felt so guilty. I am responsible for these men. The water was up to my chin and there was no sign of Captain John and the others. I felt sad because something must have happened to them. We began screaming for help, no-one left on this ship was alive and I knew we were going to die. The water reached my nose; we took deep breaths and dived low, swimming around looking for doors or places we could break open to get out of the ship. It took too long. There was no space. The water had filled the whole ship. There was no chance of survival for me and the officers…
Suddenly, a huge bang came from above. We sprinted up the metal stairs. We were curious. On top we looked around and saw the huge, heavy, iron anchor smashing into the bright life boats. I walked slowly across because it was so wet and slippery. The rain was stomping in my eyes. I could not see. I squinted and saw the chain had broken off. I tried to run to the side of the ship and skimmed the ocean. The waves looked fierce. The bubbles were flung on to the deck and the water ran down my heavy black naval boots. The clouds turned from grey to black and covered the whole sky. The naval crew came up to see what was happening, some with their black and green pyjamas. They all stared at the anchor, then raised their faces to the condition of the sky. We stood still, speechless. A hurricane was coming our way.
Captain John and I were planning what to do. We ordered the officers to leave the fierce sight but start looking for safe shelter. They all scattered around and some went back in to dress. The Captain went inside to control the steering wheel but he had a huge problem. The ship was too heavy to turn away from the hurricane! The hurricane was colossal. Its strong winds scooped water up and threw it every where. The ship was now almost flooded with water. The smell of glue and old paint flowed through the hall way. The main doors banged open then shut. The garbage in the galley slid all over the floor, the ship was rocking from side to side. Captain John still tried to steer the ship. It was about 50 meters away and we were really thrilled. I ran to the officers and yelled out, “Stations everyone, now!” One of the men went to operate the crane to lift up the anchor. He connected the chains. The chain moved slowly down, and then the anchor fell to the side of the crushed life boats, into the sea.
We all ran below and turned off all the electrical equipments. I knew that if electricity struck water it could shock and kill anyone.
The Captain told us not to go to the top, the hurricane was near and there was no way of survival for us all! The ship shook as if it was an earthquake except it was on water. It rattled and heaved. Suddenly the door to the cabins, which was on our right started to break off. The bolts and nails shot off and screeched as it shot at the walls. We ran to the Fabrico water tight door on our left, as soon as the last man entered we slammed it shut. I turned the wheel around and tightened it.
Boom! The hurricane struck the ship. I felt the ship turn over and we crashed into each other. We were trapped! I tried to think of a plan but my head lost focus. At that moment I could not even hear, an ear piercing scratch was heard from above. I tried so hard to think.
Then I had a brilliant idea. I led the officers slowly up a ladder to get to the next floor. The ship was sinking and it was flooded with salty water. It rose quickly. My heart was beating fast. I kept taking deep breaths. I was worried not only of myself but my naval crew. We decided to break up into separate groups because it will be much quicker. Only 8 men wanted to follow me the others went their own way. We were planning to meet on the top of the ship so that we could unlock the main door and get out as soon as we can. We climbed as fast as we could. The water seemed to follow. Finally we got to the top. The other men including Captain John could not be seen and the water was already past my waist. We were running out of time, so we carried on. The officers and I rushed to open the huge water tight door, the water trying to slow us down. We turned the handle and pushed but it was blocked. We could not push it open. One of the officers said that there was too much pressure on the door from the outside. This meant that we were already too deep under the ocean’s surface. I saw the fear in my officer’s eyes. I felt so guilty. I am responsible for these men. The water was up to my chin and there was no sign of Captain John and the others. I felt sad because something must have happened to them. We began screaming for help, no-one left on this ship was alive and I knew we were going to die. The water reached my nose; we took deep breaths and dived low, swimming around looking for doors or places we could break open to get out of the ship. It took too long. There was no space. The water had filled the whole ship. There was no chance of survival for me and the officers…
21 comments:
cool piece of writing
once you read it takes you on an amazing journey.so far ms 11 has posted up one of the best pieces of writing
The writer should end the story by making sure that the characters will survive.One way the characters can survive is to find more doors or to find air tanks and share it with the other groups.There are more chances they can live too. This story is really good to read and i really enjoy it.
You should find a way for some of your characters to survive like you could find them some air tanks.
The conclusion left us wondering if they were going to die or somehow survive. there is a possibility that you could have stayed in the water tight room and then maybe a ship would find your ship that sunk on a radar.But overall I really enjoyed your narrative it mayed me hope that you would write more narratives also I really liked your narrative because it took me to another world .
Cool! what a wonderful piece of writing.I think that you should have made your characters check for air tanks or find another door. It was an interesting conclusion how you and the officers had no luck or chance of survival.This is a really amazing narrative.well done!
This narrative was amazing. I think you should have given them a chance to survive. They could have searched for oxygen tanks or something that would help them survive. The conclusion of this story got me thinking. Would they still have a chance of survival or would they die if you allowed a door to open?
I was relieved when I had the opportunity to read this writing piece,but when the hurricane had hit the ship and made it sink it was very sad.If they had air tanks to share amoung themselves they would of had a chance to survive.Before they had got onto the ship they should have checked for any safety tools just in-case a disaster happens like this hurricane that had occured out of no-where.
Just to ask did they have any air tanks around or free doors open or even a weapon to break out of the top place where they were and had to hold their breath.
You had a very good introdution by the way and a very good ending.
Why did you make them die.
I like how you made the situation realistic and it look as if i was there WOW REALLY COOL!!!!!
Some very good ideas...I like the imagery and attention to detail, not bad for such an ambitious theme, i.e. maritme tragedy.
I think that the writer should change the ending of the story to a haappy one. So that when people read it they will feel happy at the end. This is one way the characters could survive. The crew should have put oxygen tanks into the ship before they went onto the ship. There should have been a lot of doors at the top of the ship so that the characters will get a better chance of survival.
Your crew should have put in more oxygen tanks or they could have shared.Sharing is caring as I say!Or maybe the story could have ended differently.
Awesome piece of writing. I think you should've let the passengers or the characters survive. They should've looked for air tanks or search for more doors so that they can survive. It was a very interesting ending because there was no chance of the characters surviving. But overall, I really liked it because it took me to a different world.
this writer should of made the ending a good ending like everyone in the ship survived by finding a secret door that leads to safety or find an air tank so they can share each others breath.There are many other ways that they could of suvived in the ship.I really enjoyed reading it.
This narritive hooked me straight into the story.But why did the passengers have to die at least 1 or 2 people could have made it.the action was very cool GOOD JOB!!
This writer should of ended by making sure that all of the characters survived. One of the ways was using one of the materials to cut open a bit of the boat and make their way out. Another way of surviving was finding those tanks to make sure they can breathe. In other words I liked your story and it was great!
I was really entertained by your piece of writing but i thought you would have let the suvivours survive.You could have searched for other doors and you could have provided a hide out that when you sink the hide out can just float to the top, well i really like this piece of writing because it is interesting.
This is a good narrative. The writer should of carried on with the ending. It was sad that the officer and the rest of the crew didn't survive. I also think that it was not possible for any of them to survive because, there was hardly any space for them to breathe. Nice narrative!
Great writing piece. This could lead to a better ending if you found a way for the characters to survive like you could find them some air tanks or let them find open doors to survive. You made me go to another world.
GREAT STORY!!!
The writer should have maked sure that the characters will survive. A way that the characters survive is making more doors and telling that they found a oxegyn tank so that they share it to survive positively and by telling that they broke out of the boat. This story is entertaining and injoyed it.you made the reader wonder what will happen next.
WOW!This narrative is really well written.I think your facts really support your story which makes it more interesting. I also think you should let some of your characters survive so people can be persuded that they are going to die but are actually not, either than that your narrative is AWESOME!!
Amazing piece of writing!! The end of the narrative is very sad though it left me wondering different ways of how to get out. The story could have been like the Poseidon movie and everyone could keep moving and opening doors to get to the top but it's good because not all endings have to be a good. The crew should have stayed in the tight room and wait until a ship came looking for them or the ship should have provided more of life jackets, flares, and most of all air tanks. You took me to another world. great writing skills you have.
Wonderful!!
This is a very cool piece of writing. I was thinking to myself you should have made the characters check for some air tanks and find some another doors..
That was a very wonderful ending/conclusion how you had officers had NO LUCKOR A CHANCE OF SRVIVAL...
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